Nigeria. That's it. That's the title.

"...You can only describe Nigeria as a mere geographic expression. 50 years after independence... It is reflective of the fact that Nigeria still WALLOWS in a state of meticisina statism, cankerous tribalism, egocentric chauvinism, syphilitic parochialism, epileptic nepotism, catalytic parapoism and state brigadish..."

- Patrick Obahaigbon

Isn't it funny that exactly 10 years after, you can change the 50 in that sentence to 60, and it would still apply pretty succinctly?

Side note, my editor underlined a bunch of the words in that quote in red. Make of that what you will.

When I thought about writing this post, I had not yet decided whether it was going to be hopeful or not. Fact: I have been writing hopeful stuff about Nigeria since I was a 12 year old on Facebook. Another fact: I have been thinking less than hopeful stuff about Nigeria since I had to go to university in another country, Benin Republic no less, for reasons that include tribalism and our piss poor educational system, but I digress.

I started with that quote in order to make you snicker a little bit before I promptly pull you back to earth with facts. Because really, what is funny about Nigeria? The herdsmen killings? The Chibok girls that never really returned? Our economy? Okay maybe that part is a little bit funny, but not in a hahaha way; it's funny in a "we're doomed, so what else can we do" way.

As I write this, I realize that I don't have it in me to be hopeful for this country at the moment; so if that's what you're looking for, I'm sorry to tell you that the number you have dialed does not exist, please check the number and dial again.

I have a theory. It is one that I share with people very often in fact. My theory is that we need a president that will just come and kill everybody, to put it bluntly. Actually, I don't mean everybody, but sometimes it seems to me that some really corrupt people need to die for this country to take tiny steps towards moving forward. I shared this theory with a coworker today. She said, "that means they will kill all the bus conductors". I laughed when she said this, but it exposed a gigantic flaw in my theory, and this flaw is the fact that most people are mega corrupt people waiting for their own opportunities to rob the nation blind, and all they need is power. How many people will we need to kill in order to get to the "truly good" people? A hundred? A thousand? A million? Who then defines what is truly good? All in all, my theory is trash.

I can not for the life of me tell what exactly we need to do to make this country not suck (I know I sound very gen z in that sentence, but please, that is what I am. Also honourable Patrick has finished the grammar).

The most successful relationships with this nation are long distance. Relationships where you can say, "I miss you so much", but you don't actually have to do anything about it. I don't know what that says about the nation. Oh wait. I do. It sucks.

I really truly hope that you aren't still expecting hope in this post.

How do I end this?

I want to give my children the Nigerian dream. An escape route. A way to love Nigeria from afar, to have Nigerian flags in their twitter bios but very little Nigerian suffering.

I know I'm supposed to say I will raise them to cause a change in this nation, and maybe they will, but I will not force them biko.

Happy Independence Day???